Falling in Love with Emilie Autumn…again.

I’ve been listening to more Emilie Autumn music through her new ebook for kindle. Every bolded word is an anagram that can be used to crack a code and listen to one of her songs. It’s been so long since I’ve been a part of the EA community but I’m back and the community is alive and well! I’ve missed all my plague rat friends.

Anyways, this song “Take the Pill”…man I tell ya. R-E-L-A-T-A-B-L-E. I haven’t listened to this song for a good…5 years. But listening to it again makes me just feel all the feels.

Take the Pill

And Opheliac, because this is another amazing song I just am falling in love with all over again.

When I have a little more money I’m going to go on itunes and buy her music again. I’m afraid my cds were all left behind in Wisconsin 😦 I do have my signed “Your Sugar Sits Untouched” signed CD still though.

*Sigh* Where are the smelling salts, I’m just fangirling over here.

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Resumes. Why Bother?

I’m in the process of looking for some part-time work. You know what irks me? I upload my resume that I have toiled over. AND THEN the stupid company wants me to retype all that information, thus duplicating exactly what it says on my resume. It’s like…what kind of lazy fucks are you? Are you even going to bother looking at my resume or would you rather look at all these repeated drop down menu boxes? Why do I even bother uploading a resume? Is this process set up to just see who can stick out the monotony of the task? I am one of those people. I sit and fill it all out, but don’t think I won’t bitch about it.

The end.

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Let’s take a look at this weekend:

  1. Research and possibly buy a new editing program. I haven’t vlogged in over 2 months because the thought of working with Window’s Movie Maker just kills my soul.
    1. New plan: Find a part time job first, buy an Apple computer because everything is just sucking to try and edit on. My current ancient computer is pretty much only good for watching movies on and it seems everything I download just craps out on it. Vlog: Take a back seat while I work on workin’.
  2. Research some part time jobs and apply by Friday. I am a RICH child of a loving universe.
    1. Applied for 3 jobs today. A couple of coffee shops and a grocery store.
  3. Work on my resume and generic cover letter for some creative jobs down the line.
    1. I did work on my resume but not in a creative way.
  4. Read 30 pages from The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls and start another book.
    1. Working on this as we speak
  5. Meditate on wealth and money. Money comes to me from unexpected sources and I am grateful.
    1. Trying to make this a daily practice. So far so good.
  6. Watch A Trip to Unicorn Island.
    1. Watched! SOOOO good! Lilly Singh has the most amazing work ethic.
  7. Maybe reorganize my apartment. I say maybe because I know this will take a lot of energy and I’m not sure I have the resources for that.
    1. Nope, didn’t happen and I’m okay with that.
  8. Build my alter. Read: go to Target and buy a shelf that WillyBean won’t destroy.
    1. Damn, I actually forgot about this :/ Maybe Sunday after work I will go find some stuff.
  9. Go to the pharmacy.
    1. Done. I’m all meded up.
  10. Pay toll bill. I am receiving money now.
    1. Going to wait to get paid next week for this one. Just want to make sure I have enough for rent before I shell out the amount for the toll.

So, it was a pretty successful weekend. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life because damn. I am ready to work really hard at something. What is that something? Just waiting on some signs and direction.

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I’m going to be a BAW$E today.

I started writing out my Bawse list today and my hand couldn’t write fast enough…so here we are!

  1. Research and possibly buy a new editing program. I haven’t vlogged in over 2 months because the thought of working with Window’s Movie Maker just kills my soul.
  2. Research some part time jobs and apply by Friday. I am a RICH child of a loving universe.
  3. Work on my resume and generic cover letter for some creative jobs down the line.
  4. Read 30 pages from The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls and start another book.
  5. Meditate on wealth and money. Money comes to me from unexpected sources and I am grateful.
  6. Watch A Trip to Unicorn Island.
  7. Maybe reorganize my apartment. I say maybe because I know this will take a lot of energy and I’m not sure I have the resources for that.
  8. Build my alter. Read: go to Target and buy a shelf that WillyBean won’t destroy.
  9. Go to the pharmacy.
  10. Pay toll bill. I am receiving money now.

I may post an update tomorrow just so you all know how BAWSE I am 😛

❤ Amy

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FOCUS!

Lately my brain has been jumbled with ideas, plans, mantras, and projects. Literally jumbled. I can hardly keep up with myself. Is this what it’s like to be a happy? I’m still lacking motivation, which is frustrating for my body because my mind has all these things going on inside with no way of carrying them out. Here is a list of things that have been bouncing along in this head of mine:

-I read “You Are a Badass At Making Money” and wow it pumped me up. And I actually AM making money. Money is coming in and I feel relief when I think about the bills that will soon be paid off. My credit card, with the Hawaii trip on it, should be paid off by August and then I can begin saving for my big project. A house. My ultimate dream…what I picture in my head…is a home that is all mine, a couple of cats, and hosting constant dinner parties, hangouts, and game nights. Really…that’s what I want. Here is my vision board. I’ve been meditating on it every morning.

-I need to be healthier. I think my hair is falling out as a result of poor diet. This should NOT be happening. I am vegan. The junk I eat is unacceptable. I just really lack any sense of motivation to improve my health. I want to run, but since the incident outside my apartment awhile ago, I’ve been afraid to be outside by myself. I literally speed walk from my car to the apartment, and don’t feel safe until I’ve locked the door. When it comes to food I’m just lazy. The prep and cleanup tire me just thinking about it.

-Emilie Autumn has started being more active on social media again which makes me so happy! She has begun this challenge series on instagram that I’ve been participating in. I’m starting to read her book for the 3rd time too. I may have even dressed in my bloomers, corset, and striped stockings to sit down and read…may have. It’s been interesting this time around participating in the Emilie Autumn community. I was such a different person when I first started listening to her music. The dark, sometimes depressing music soothed my soul. It gave me something to fold into. Now I’m finding myself better,  healthier, happier…where to I fit within this community? The community that plays asylum inmates? I no longer feel crazy. My brain has leveled out, but it leaves me wondering if playing along with this story line of insane asylum inmates is or will be damaging to the progress I’ve made. For now I’m having fun, but I’m trying to stay aware of where I am mentally throughout this process. I will always love Emilie Autumn for the music and friends I’ve made. For the creativity that inevitably flows out of me when I hang around other plague rats.  I’m preparing a sewing project that I may show off here when I finish it.

-I want to VLOG!!! But my creativity in this realm is severely lacking. I have no clue what to do. I just need to get in front of the camera again.

-June 10th Orphan Black starts so I’m hurrying along trying to get all the rewatch in. I’m half way through Season 3 right now. And Game of Thrones starts up again soon too.

Even as I write out this list I’m finding my lack of focus is bubbling up. Let’s just leave it at I have a lot I want to do and not enough hours in the day, or motivation in my body. 

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A Look Back

I use to frequented a certain website beginning at the age of 18. The first time I had a computer all to myself…in college. I found this site looking for a place to self destruct. A place where people were afraid, angry, depressed, and anxious. These were my people. I joined when this site was all about the destruction. It was a place to commiserate. And commiserate we did. I met a lot of really sad, nice people. We became friends. And then the site moved in a different direction. It became less of a place to be angry and sad, and more of a place to work through your issues with like minded people. I met more friends. I organized a meet up when I lived in Wisconsin and I met some of these people in real life. It was amazing to put faces to the screen names and sad stories. It made me feel less alone in my issues.

Anyways, that’s a bit of a side note. But, I left the site about 4 years ago. Only going back when life got hard again, but overall I found the site to be pretty triggering even in it’s pro recovery days. I made a friend online that I talked to throughout my college years. I watched Michelle transition to Mitch. We were set to meet up in Pennsylvania when I was on vacation but it didn’t work out. About a year later he died in a motorcycle accident. I think about him all the time. So, when I go back on that site, I’ll occasionally send him a note, knowing that he will never read it. Usually it’s just to say hello, to continue on our conversation.

A few days ago I got a PM from one of the people I met in Wisconsin. At the time we’d met we were both in pretty rough spots. I’ve been speaking with her the last couple of days and it’s so amazing to hear how well she is doing. It makes me reflect on the person I am now compared to the person that I was too.

Thank you beautiful, disgusting, “I hate you”, life-saving, “mixed emotions” medication. I know I’m doing well and I’m stable because the stupid chemicals in my brain are finally balancing out. I look back at pre-medicated me and it’s a little scary. The crap I was doing. The impulsive behavior, the several trips to the hospital, the screaming matches I would get in with my partners. I remember feeling like I was so out of control. I can say now that I feel more in control of my life than I ever have before. And, yes, I have so many mixed emotions surrounding this because there are days when I feel like a fraud. It’s not me. It’s the medication. I’m not doing shit. I’m just taking a few pills a day and *poof* life gets better. I struggle with this thought daily. Every morning and every night when I dutifully take my medication that voice creeps back in my head. “You will never be normal”.

Hmm. But today I’m doing okay. This was just on my mind. So I guess I had to share?

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Story Time

I was at work yesterday. A client was checking out. I commented on the cute name of her cat “little one”. She told me how she rescued it when she was in Green Bay. We started a conversation about how I use to live in Appleton. When she asked why, I said “My ex-partner worked out there”. She shared her story with me. “I was married to my husband for 12 years, when he passed away I met [I can’t remember her name] and we moved to Seattle. I met her when I was 64.” I don’t know how she knew I was single. Or how she knew I was pessimistic about it, but she said to me “There is still hope”. What a beautiful and simplistic thing to say. I’m never going to forget that story.

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