Wishing I Was More.

I haven’t posted anything in quite awhile. I sometimes worry that I have too many interests to actually focus on a blog. I’ve been struggling with perfection anxiety recently and it’s severely hindered me from doing ANYTHING, especially when it comes to this blog. Today I had a moment where I realized this blog is for me, and yes, I’m putting it out into the world, but not to be judged. I just need to be okay with that and not get caught up in worrying that I won’t sound smart or like I know what I’m doing (spoiler alert: I don’t know what I’m doing).

I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries lately because sleep has not come easily. Most recently I watched “The Punk Singer” and god, it made me wish I was born just a little bit earlier in life so as to be a part of the Riot Grrrl revolution. Sad thing is, when I imagine having been born a bit earlier, I still probably wouldn’t have been involved in something so epic and loud. I then start imagining being born to a pair of punk rockers and I get a little closer to experiencing Riot Grrrl in the beginning. I wonder how my brain would have developed if I was listening to girl power messages on a daily basis, if I was reading Riot Grrrl zines, if I was CREATING those zines. What kind of person would I have been? Would that have changed anything? Or would I still have developed into a shy, unsure, anxious adult?

Despite taking quite a few women’s studies classes in college, I still feel my basic understanding of feminism and how I play a part is lacking. I have been really interested in intersectionality and would love to be a part of an activist group, but I’m far to intimidated and anxious to actually go and be a part of something I’m not 100% knowledgeable about. See that perfection anxiety? Ugh, I just want to be awesome. I want to kick this computer to the curb and go out into the world and DO something. I always feel like, no, I have to read this book. I have to have a grasp on all the politics involved. I’ll watch this documentary, read this book, read this article and THEN I can go out in the world. I’m too afraid to make a mistake, to offend someone with my lack of knowledge, so I feel I have to know EVERYTHING. And then here I am, all overwhelmed at the amount of information out there and my helplessness in the situation. For now, Pandora is set to Bikini Kill and Le Tigre stations, books are being read, and documentaries are being watched. I’ll break out of this cycle one day…hopefully.

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About Amelia Clare

32 year old queer ethical vegan. Constantly questioning my existence in a world I feel I don't fit into very naturally. A pessimistic bundle of anxiety and depression.
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5 Responses to Wishing I Was More.

  1. Hales says:

    You can do it!!! There is someone I studied in undergrad with in my wgs classes. She is smart and she got all the opportunities I longed for.. Now I am in Asia teaching kids.. I still stumble across a new job in the wgs world she gets and I get really upset… Idk what that story had to do with anything…. But go. You’ll regret if you don’t. And just take baby steps if jumping all at one is too much.

    Like

    • AmeliaClare says:

      😀 I liked your story. I have felt the same way about others who are out scooping up life’s amazing opportunities. And thank you for the encouragement. I’m looking into a few online groups I might…just maybe, have the courage to get involved in for now (and they do monthly meetups too. Like you said, baby steps 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. All blogs take time to form! Do any of us know what we’re doing? We’ve all felt this way about our blog! I sure have. Just keep writing, it’ll all come together =)

    Like

    • AmeliaClare says:

      Thanks! I’m definitely going to keep at it. I don’t think I’ve ever made it past the phase in blogging where I’m so unfocused. I want to push through that here because I know there are great things on the other side 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • The blog I have now is the first time I’ve ever pushed past it and actually kept a blog! It was awkward at times, and many times I just wanted to delete it or start from scratch, the way I always do, but I just stuck with it for once! And I’m glad I did. I totally understand. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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