The Shallow End

So, if you’ll recall, my New Year’s Resolution was to be better to myself/take care of myself. I’ve been doing pretty well with that so far. Taking my necessary medications (I’m sure we will get into this soon enough, but I LOATHE taking medication), showering every night, keeping my apartment clean, and trying to eat 3 times  a day (this is difficult as I usually don’t eat anything all day and then eat everything at night).

In this attempt to be better to myself I also need to feel good about myself, which is usually a feeling hard to come by. Makeup makes me feel good. I use to wear it all the time. I use to actually look cute…and then I came out. For me, being a lesbian meant that I had to have short hair and wear baggy jeans (I am not saying this look isn’t cute, what I mean is I was changing who I was based on what I thought an “ideal” lesbian looked like). I wanted to be a visible lesbian, recognized within my own community (and “lipstick lesbians are harder to read). I was noticed and it felt good. But it’s not me. I hate short hair, I always have, despite the fact that I have really thin and damaged hair and it actually looks better short (makes it look thicker). I shaved off all my hair 2 years ago and it was one of the most liberating things I’ve done, but the grow out was torture. I now have chin length hair and am slowly waiting for it to hit my shoulders. I looked into extensions….ummm $500-$800 for a 6 week shelf life…too broke for that shit.

I’m working on the makeup side of things to make myself feel better since hair extensions are just not feasible right now.  Here’s what I’ve learned. I suck at makeup. I never learned how to do it. My limited knowledge comes from the last day of 8th grade when my friends, two beautiful, makeup savvy, twin sisters, gave me a makeover. So I know how to apply mascara, lip liner, and a face powder of sorts. I never really figured out the eye shadow part. As a result, when I do put on makeup it looks like I’m not wearing any makeup at all…I’m pretty much not.

YOUTUBE…my dearest friend during a depression. I’ve been watching a few videos to see what I can do but I get a little bored. I’m going to watch at least one beauty guru video a day and see if I can replicate some looks.  Here’s what we are working with (I’m trying not to repeat in my head how disgusting I look…being better to myself).

Here is my “fresh” no makeup look. I just woke up…yeah I’m wearing a onesie, don’t judge my life choices. Short hair…or rather hair that grows really fast in the back and super slow in the front! What up long mullet!?  Oh yeah and I shaved the side of my head over the summer (also a torturous grow out) so I’m a little lopsided.

Anyways, part of me feeling better about myself is working on my appearance. It may seem shallow but I really think it’s going to help my confidence and help in the process of being good to myself. So, I will post some updated photos now and again documenting this process. I know this is more of a “Dear Self” blog as opposed to 1 million followers who actually care about what I do with my face and that’s okay.

Dear Self,

You don’t need makeup and hair extensions to be a better person, but it might make you FEEL better. Go on with your bad self.

Sincerely,

Self.

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About Amelia Clare

32 year old queer ethical vegan. Constantly questioning my existence in a world I feel I don't fit into very naturally. A pessimistic bundle of anxiety and depression.
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