Death

I’ve realized that the better I feel with these meds, the more my mind is occupied with death. I start fearing it. I obsess over the butterfly effect. “I could die at any moment” I think. What if I turn right instead of left and I get hit by a semi? I think about that Gweneth Paltrow movie “Sliding Doors” constantly. When I don’t feel good, when I feel depressed and anxious, all I can think about is offing myself. I don’t fear death at that time. I welcome it. I give up and contemplate suicide on the daily. Strange how things work. Strange how the mind works. I’m trying right now to appreciate this life. To love it, in spite of the fearfully obvious: I will die one day. I worry about these things with my cat too. I love him so much that sometimes I will come home and be almost tearful at the thought of losing him, instead of appreciating the time I have with him now.

Anyways, this wasn’t meant to be a depressing post. I’m actually feeling so good right now! Hence the fear of death. I have a psych appointment today so I can get all the refills. At my last therapy session we discussed how I must be off these meds by next year (my words). It is extremely important to me that while I stay consistent this year, I’m building up “my toolbox” of self care. I need to learn to comfort myself without being destructive. This is what 2017 is for, and what my New Year’s Resolutions “taking care of myself” really means. And in 2018 I will begin the tapering process.  I’ll be discussing this today with my psychiatrist. I’ll update her response, which I don’t have much faith in being something I want to hear. We shall see.

❤ Amelia

 

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About Amelia Clare

32 year old queer ethical vegan. Constantly questioning my existence in a world I feel I don't fit into very naturally. A pessimistic bundle of anxiety and depression.
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