A Look Back

I use to frequented a certain website beginning at the age of 18. The first time I had a computer all to myself…in college. I found this site looking for a place to self destruct. A place where people were afraid, angry, depressed, and anxious. These were my people. I joined when this site was all about the destruction. It was a place to commiserate. And commiserate we did. I met a lot of really sad, nice people. We became friends. And then the site moved in a different direction. It became less of a place to be angry and sad, and more of a place to work through your issues with like minded people. I met more friends. I organized a meet up when I lived in Wisconsin and I met some of these people in real life. It was amazing to put faces to the screen names and sad stories. It made me feel less alone in my issues.

Anyways, that’s a bit of a side note. But, I left the site about 4 years ago. Only going back when life got hard again, but overall I found the site to be pretty triggering even in it’s pro recovery days. I made a friend online that I talked to throughout my college years. I watched Michelle transition to Mitch. We were set to meet up in Pennsylvania when I was on vacation but it didn’t work out. About a year later he died in a motorcycle accident. I think about him all the time. So, when I go back on that site, I’ll occasionally send him a note, knowing that he will never read it. Usually it’s just to say hello, to continue on our conversation.

A few days ago I got a PM from one of the people I met in Wisconsin. At the time we’d met we were both in pretty rough spots. I’ve been speaking with her the last couple of days and it’s so amazing to hear how well she is doing. It makes me reflect on the person I am now compared to the person that I was too.

Thank you beautiful, disgusting, “I hate you”, life-saving, “mixed emotions” medication. I know I’m doing well and I’m stable because the stupid chemicals in my brain are finally balancing out. I look back at pre-medicated me and it’s a little scary. The crap I was doing. The impulsive behavior, the several trips to the hospital, the screaming matches I would get in with my partners. I remember feeling like I was so out of control. I can say now that I feel more in control of my life than I ever have before. And, yes, I have so many mixed emotions surrounding this because there are days when I feel like a fraud. It’s not me. It’s the medication. I’m not doing shit. I’m just taking a few pills a day and *poof* life gets better. I struggle with this thought daily. Every morning and every night when I dutifully take my medication that voice creeps back in my head. “You will never be normal”.

Hmm. But today I’m doing okay. This was just on my mind. So I guess I had to share?

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About Amelia Clare

32 year old queer ethical vegan. Constantly questioning my existence in a world I feel I don't fit into very naturally. A pessimistic bundle of anxiety and depression.
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