FOCUS!

Lately my brain has been jumbled with ideas, plans, mantras, and projects. Literally jumbled. I can hardly keep up with myself. Is this what it’s like to be a happy? I’m still lacking motivation, which is frustrating for my body because my mind has all these things going on inside with no way of carrying them out. Here is a list of things that have been bouncing along in this head of mine:

-I read “You Are a Badass At Making Money” and wow it pumped me up. And I actually AM making money. Money is coming in and I feel relief when I think about the bills that will soon be paid off. My credit card, with the Hawaii trip on it, should be paid off by August and then I can begin saving for my big project. A house. My ultimate dream…what I picture in my head…is a home that is all mine, a couple of cats, and hosting constant dinner parties, hangouts, and game nights. Really…that’s what I want. Here is my vision board. I’ve been meditating on it every morning.

-I need to be healthier. I think my hair is falling out as a result of poor diet. This should NOT be happening. I am vegan. The junk I eat is unacceptable. I just really lack any sense of motivation to improve my health. I want to run, but since the incident outside my apartment awhile ago, I’ve been afraid to be outside by myself. I literally speed walk from my car to the apartment, and don’t feel safe until I’ve locked the door. When it comes to food I’m just lazy. The prep and cleanup tire me just thinking about it.

-Emilie Autumn has started being more active on social media again which makes me so happy! She has begun this challenge series on instagram that I’ve been participating in. I’m starting to read her book for the 3rd time too. I may have even dressed in my bloomers, corset, and striped stockings to sit down and read…may have. It’s been interesting this time around participating in the Emilie Autumn community. I was such a different person when I first started listening to her music. The dark, sometimes depressing music soothed my soul. It gave me something to fold into. Now I’m finding myself better,  healthier, happier…where to I fit within this community? The community that plays asylum inmates? I no longer feel crazy. My brain has leveled out, but it leaves me wondering if playing along with this story line of insane asylum inmates is or will be damaging to the progress I’ve made. For now I’m having fun, but I’m trying to stay aware of where I am mentally throughout this process. I will always love Emilie Autumn for the music and friends I’ve made. For the creativity that inevitably flows out of me when I hang around other plague rats.  I’m preparing a sewing project that I may show off here when I finish it.

-I want to VLOG!!! But my creativity in this realm is severely lacking. I have no clue what to do. I just need to get in front of the camera again.

-June 10th Orphan Black starts so I’m hurrying along trying to get all the rewatch in. I’m half way through Season 3 right now. And Game of Thrones starts up again soon too.

Even as I write out this list I’m finding my lack of focus is bubbling up. Let’s just leave it at I have a lot I want to do and not enough hours in the day, or motivation in my body. 

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About Amelia Clare

32 year old queer ethical vegan. Constantly questioning my existence in a world I feel I don't fit into very naturally. A pessimistic bundle of anxiety and depression.
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