I finished book 2 for April’s theme “Hawaii”. It wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. “Obake Ghost Stories in Hawaii”. I wanted to be spooked. I wanted to learn of places in Hawaii that were haunted. This just wasn’t that. It was somewhat interesting, but I still gave it 1 star. What can I say? I’m harsh on books.
For the most part this month’s books have been really good. Well, I’ve only read one other. And that, as I’ve mentioned, was Molokai’i. I still can’t get that book out of my head. It’s been a long while since I’ve read a fiction book (though based on truth) that I’ve really enjoyed.
Sticking with the Hawaii talk. I have had this picture as the background of my computer for the last 3 months.
Come to find out that this location is seconds away from the hotel I will be staying at. Vision boards man. The power of visualization is just killing me right now. I don’t think I’ve ever put so much energy into something that it actually started becoming reality. I feel unstoppable.
I’ve started this post a million times and it gets too long winded. Basically I’m questioning whether or not I’m being independent, a selfish person, or just content in my introverted ways. I wish it wasn’t so depressing to just want to get high and stuff my face with the company of my cat and Netflix. What if I don’t like hanging out with people or don’t want a relationship not because of social anxiety, but because I really just hate sharing or worrying about another person?
It’s been a year since the breakup and everyone says I’m doing “so well”. I’m “happy”. I’ve “grown so much”. The pain of it all though still hurts. I still feel numb at times, half human half empty space. I could go on for paragraphs here but I won’t.
This is what’s on my mind this morning. Life is good, but I’m not fabulous. I’m living and breathing and have the will to continue, so I guess that’s all we can ask for yeah?
Having people over to my apartments has always made me anxious. I don’t know what it is, but I think I’m embarrassed. I’ve walked to the doorway with a friend only to tell them they can’t come in. How awkward am I? I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve had over to my places. 4 people, not including family.
Anyways, I bring this up because I told the latest friend (after turning her away last week) that she could come in today. UUUUGGGHHH. I’m dreading it. I’m going to be scrubbing the entire place down. I just worry people will think I’m gross or weird. My apartment is kind of like a private get away. Maybe I just don’t like sharing it with people. That’s not true. When I had a bigger apartment I use to dream of throwing parties and hosting get togethers, but was always too afraid.
*sigh* I’m off to clean to prepare for this visit.
Where has it gone? I feel dull. Flat. Lacking motivation. I feel like if I wasn’t on meds right now this would be a full blown depressive episode. I’m just feeling kind of blah. But I keep getting bursts of inspiration. I’m just unable to follow through on my ideas.
I have art in my head. Creativity on the tip of my tongue. And yet, I’m surrounded by wadded up laundry, cat hair, and dirty dishes. “I don’t deserve to create” I say to myself anytime I actually get motivated. “There are things to be cleaned and organized.” Creativity takes a back seat. And yet I know it’d feed my soul.
April is exercise month. I admittedly haven’t been doing shit. In fact, I’d say my eating has taken a turn for the worse. I need to cut out all the fake foods that I consume. The oils and fake cheeses I live on will need to take a back seat.
I really wanted to start running again. However; and especially after my most recent scare with the man who tried to get into my apartment, I’ve been afraid to get out and do so. Now, 60% of that is an excuse because I wasn’t doing anything before that happened either. I’m opting for at home workouts anyways. I’ll be doing “Sarah’s Day” workouts as suggested to me by the lovely Anjage. On top of the workouts, it is time for me to get my eating under control. I really need to go grocery shopping (though I’m really nervous to spend any money at the moment). I mainly need to get fruits and veggies. Everything else I have I can work with.
I’m not stupid enough to think that I can completely transform my body in less than a month to ready myself for Hawaii, but it’s a start.
Goodbye Earth Balance and Daiya cheese.
*Credit to Tyler Oakley for the perfectly accurate term.
I drink coffee when I’m nervous. I’m not sure how smart this is. It’s kind of like smoking. That green Starbucks straw gives me such a high.
I just purchased my ticket to Hawaii, booked my hotel, and hostel stay. I am so fucking scared. Actually, I can’t tell if it’s fear or excitement. Maybe a little of both. Remember that picture I posted when I was first contemplating this vacation? The one of the Hilton? Well, that’s where I will be staying. Vision board ftw. King bed, ocean view, private lanai. What the hell have I done? I can do this. Everything will be okay.
I was going to go to the grocery store after my coffee visit, but my nerves won’t let me. I have enough food to possibly carry me through the week. Yams and chili, spaghetti, quinoa, beans and enchilada sauce. Yeah, its not glamorous. Here’s the sad part….I will run out of coffee in T-minus 3 days. No better time to quit I suppose. I’m dreading the nausea that I will inevitably experience, as I’ve experienced it every time before trying to quit. I sound like a drug addict don’t I?
When I was walking through the parking lot I noticed that Bartell’s is hiring. I’m going to go grab an application. If I can get some part time work before I leave maybe my nerves will chill out a bit.
*Deep breath* Everything is okay. Money is coming in.
As I finished this post a friend just invited me to dinner. Social life will be nonexistent after this. Just one more hangout.
I’m purchasing my ticket tomorrow when I get paid. There is a pit in my stomach. One for the cost of it and two for the fact that I will be adventuring alone. I think I’m surprisingly more nervous about the cost of this journey. I’m trying to be positive about money, knowing that it’s coming in, but a huge chunk of this trip will be going on my credit card. I will be working my ass of when I get home. I keep questioning, “should I do this? Is this a completely crazy idea? Should I give up on the image of me drinking my morning coffee on a lanai overlooking the waves?” No, I shouldn’t. This is what I want. I want to travel so I will. I will make this happen without fear.
I’ve decided to stay in a hostel for the first 2 nights of my trip to save money. And then I’m going to splurge big time and spend 2 nights in a gorgeous and fancy hotel. I’m hoping that in the hostel I will meet some other travelers. Some people to hang out with.
I’m currently on my month of reading books about Hawaii. I’m working on Molaka’i. It’s an amazing and interesting story about the leper colonies. It almost makes me want to change my trip plans from Oahu to Molaka’i, simply for the history of it all. That is what has led me to the decision to go to Oahu though as well. Pearl Harbor is my main destination. I have been fascinated by WWII for awhile now and I can’t wait to tour and learn more.
I am going to check and see if there is a boat from Oahu to Molaka’i that I can take. I’m just so enthralled by this story. It would be interesting to actually go to the places mentioned.
I will let you all know when I finally do purchase my ticket. I’m sure I’m going to immediately experience buyer’s remorse. This is something I need to do for myself. Go on an adventure that I’ve been planning in my head for months now. Until then, Aloha.