I use to frequented a certain website beginning at the age of 18. The first time I had a computer all to myself…in college. I found this site looking for a place to self destruct. A place where people were afraid, angry, depressed, and anxious. These were my people. I joined when this site was all about the destruction. It was a place to commiserate. And commiserate we did. I met a lot of really sad, nice people. We became friends. And then the site moved in a different direction. It became less of a place to be angry and sad, and more of a place to work through your issues with like minded people. I met more friends. I organized a meet up when I lived in Wisconsin and I met some of these people in real life. It was amazing to put faces to the screen names and sad stories. It made me feel less alone in my issues.
Anyways, that’s a bit of a side note. But, I left the site about 4 years ago. Only going back when life got hard again, but overall I found the site to be pretty triggering even in it’s pro recovery days. I made a friend online that I talked to throughout my college years. I watched Michelle transition to Mitch. We were set to meet up in Pennsylvania when I was on vacation but it didn’t work out. About a year later he died in a motorcycle accident. I think about him all the time. So, when I go back on that site, I’ll occasionally send him a note, knowing that he will never read it. Usually it’s just to say hello, to continue on our conversation.
A few days ago I got a PM from one of the people I met in Wisconsin. At the time we’d met we were both in pretty rough spots. I’ve been speaking with her the last couple of days and it’s so amazing to hear how well she is doing. It makes me reflect on the person I am now compared to the person that I was too.
Thank you beautiful, disgusting, “I hate you”, life-saving, “mixed emotions” medication. I know I’m doing well and I’m stable because the stupid chemicals in my brain are finally balancing out. I look back at pre-medicated me and it’s a little scary. The crap I was doing. The impulsive behavior, the several trips to the hospital, the screaming matches I would get in with my partners. I remember feeling like I was so out of control. I can say now that I feel more in control of my life than I ever have before. And, yes, I have so many mixed emotions surrounding this because there are days when I feel like a fraud. It’s not me. It’s the medication. I’m not doing shit. I’m just taking a few pills a day and *poof* life gets better. I struggle with this thought daily. Every morning and every night when I dutifully take my medication that voice creeps back in my head. “You will never be normal”.
Hmm. But today I’m doing okay. This was just on my mind. So I guess I had to share?
I was at work yesterday. A client was checking out. I commented on the cute name of her cat “little one”. She told me how she rescued it when she was in Green Bay. We started a conversation about how I use to live in Appleton. When she asked why, I said “My ex-partner worked out there”. She shared her story with me. “I was married to my husband for 12 years, when he passed away I met [I can’t remember her name] and we moved to Seattle. I met her when I was 64.” I don’t know how she knew I was single. Or how she knew I was pessimistic about it, but she said to me “There is still hope”. What a beautiful and simplistic thing to say. I’m never going to forget that story.
Let’s recap and analyze April’s goals:
April…well I kind of slacked (read: didn’t do shit) with my goals this month, which was to focus on nutrition. The older I get the harder it seems to find the motivation to workout and eat right. How do I get back on this!? Maybe I’ll run on the beach when I’m in Hawaii? Doubt it. Maybe I’ll attempt to give up sugar when I get home? Yeah right.
January: Take better care of myself. Check.
February: Blog everyday. I vlogged everyday doing VEDA so that counts right?
March: Start working out. Ugh.
April: Focus on nutrition. Yikes.
And now onto my goals for May. While carrying on my previous months goals, this month I’d like to focus on keeping my apartment and car clean and tidy. It means doing the dishes nightly and picking up as I go. I feel like I can pretty easily do this.
*Sigh* I’m feeling pretty bummed out that March and April’s goals just kinda fell by the wayside. I think I need to read “How to be a Bawse” again. I was feeling so motivated after that book. There are little exercises at the end of each chapter so maybe I’ll go through and do those.
On to reading goals: Fantasy novels.
I’ve just about finished my last book for May’s Hawaii reads:
I plan on watching the movie soon too. The story has been interesting and definitely different than I thought it would be. I should finish it today.
I feel after vlogging for the month my blogging has really taken a back seat. I feel like there is more connection through vlogging, but I miss being here sometimes.
I finished book 2 for April’s theme “Hawaii”. It wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. “Obake Ghost Stories in Hawaii”. I wanted to be spooked. I wanted to learn of places in Hawaii that were haunted. This just wasn’t that. It was somewhat interesting, but I still gave it 1 star. What can I say? I’m harsh on books.
For the most part this month’s books have been really good. Well, I’ve only read one other. And that, as I’ve mentioned, was Molokai’i. I still can’t get that book out of my head. It’s been a long while since I’ve read a fiction book (though based on truth) that I’ve really enjoyed.
Sticking with the Hawaii talk. I have had this picture as the background of my computer for the last 3 months.
Come to find out that this location is seconds away from the hotel I will be staying at. Vision boards man. The power of visualization is just killing me right now. I don’t think I’ve ever put so much energy into something that it actually started becoming reality. I feel unstoppable.
I’ve started this post a million times and it gets too long winded. Basically I’m questioning whether or not I’m being independent, a selfish person, or just content in my introverted ways. I wish it wasn’t so depressing to just want to get high and stuff my face with the company of my cat and Netflix. What if I don’t like hanging out with people or don’t want a relationship not because of social anxiety, but because I really just hate sharing or worrying about another person?
It’s been a year since the breakup and everyone says I’m doing “so well”. I’m “happy”. I’ve “grown so much”. The pain of it all though still hurts. I still feel numb at times, half human half empty space. I could go on for paragraphs here but I won’t.
This is what’s on my mind this morning. Life is good, but I’m not fabulous. I’m living and breathing and have the will to continue, so I guess that’s all we can ask for yeah?
Having people over to my apartments has always made me anxious. I don’t know what it is, but I think I’m embarrassed. I’ve walked to the doorway with a friend only to tell them they can’t come in. How awkward am I? I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve had over to my places. 4 people, not including family.
Anyways, I bring this up because I told the latest friend (after turning her away last week) that she could come in today. UUUUGGGHHH. I’m dreading it. I’m going to be scrubbing the entire place down. I just worry people will think I’m gross or weird. My apartment is kind of like a private get away. Maybe I just don’t like sharing it with people. That’s not true. When I had a bigger apartment I use to dream of throwing parties and hosting get togethers, but was always too afraid.
*sigh* I’m off to clean to prepare for this visit.
Where has it gone? I feel dull. Flat. Lacking motivation. I feel like if I wasn’t on meds right now this would be a full blown depressive episode. I’m just feeling kind of blah. But I keep getting bursts of inspiration. I’m just unable to follow through on my ideas.
I have art in my head. Creativity on the tip of my tongue. And yet, I’m surrounded by wadded up laundry, cat hair, and dirty dishes. “I don’t deserve to create” I say to myself anytime I actually get motivated. “There are things to be cleaned and organized.” Creativity takes a back seat. And yet I know it’d feed my soul.